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Written by Jeff's mom, Wendy McKillop...
Jeff joined our family at the age of 5 months. He arrived at JFK International Airport on an aircraft from South Korea where he was born. He was escorted by a U. S. soldier coming home on leave. Jeff grew up taking part in many activities. He enjoyed baseball, soccer, army cadets, trains, trucks, demo cars, tow trucks & photography. He loved animals & was a big help with our sheep & horses. Jeff appeared to have a full & diverse life but it wasn't without serious struggles. I want to share the struggling Jeff. I do this to honour & praise him for his strength & courage. He fought for over 31 years to fit into what society considers to be a "normal" life. I am proud of his efforts & I miss his kind & caring soul, his infectious laugh, his willingness to help others & his beautiful smile. |
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Jeff's struggles began at a very early age. By the age of 2, he was being treated by pediatric specialists for uncontrolled & impulsive behaviours. He suffered from severe ADHD. One specialist described Jeff's case as being the worst that he had ever treated.
Jeff enjoyed attending pre-school, but when it was time to enroll him in the public system, we were approached by school board officials to keep him in pre-school for a longer period of time. They didn't have the staff or facilities at his designated school to accommodate his needs. This was not acceptable to us & the school board eventually made arrangements for Jeff to attend a different school. Thankfully, the Principal took Jeff under his wing & made sure he was well looked after.
Jeff was sent back to his designated school for grade 1. That's when more serious issues came to light. Jeff was completely unable to focus on school work & took his frustrations out at home. The teachers continued to expect Jeff to complete his homework & assignments along with the rest of the students. This was impossible for him but our concerns were not being addressed. We could not make the teachers understand that the behaviour we were observing at home was different from the behaviour that they observed at school. His medical specialist made the comment that while living with Jeff was a great challenge for his family, it was preferable to him being well behaved at home & out of control in society.
Fortunately, as Jeff was about to enter grade 6, we moved to a new town & that meant a change of schools. The new school had assistants on staff & a class where his special needs could be accommodated. Finally, a wonderful teacher was able to take appropriate action on his behalf. The pressure that had been put on Jeff to conform to a learning system that couldn't accommodate him eased up & he was able to feel like he belonged.
As Jeff grew up & joined the workforce, many of his actions & decisions were often misunderstood. Not because he was trying to be difficult or inattentive, but because he often found himself unable to control his impulsiveness. Action came quickly, before thought.
Jeff's love of trains, trucks & machinery set him on his career choices. He worked up north for a railroad contractor, drove a hydrovac truck, garbage truck & dump truck. He spent some time working in a steel plant. He had several great jobs, but the job he loved most was being a tow truck operator.
Unfortunately, Jeff suffered severe head trauma when a load of steel on the back of a truck he was loading shifted & hit him in the face. He was unable to drive for several months & made numerous trips to Toronto for testing & rehabilitation. He began experiencing memory & hearing problems. Over the years, this injury, along with subsequent reliving of some of the trauma he witnessed while driving tow truck, began to take its toll. He started experiencing flashbacks. The job that he loved so much became a nightmare to his mind. He stopped driving 10 days before he died. He made one last trip, but knew he couldn't continue.
Because Jeff had learned over the years to only allow people to see the Jeff that he wanted them to see, he suffered mostly in silence. He was afraid that people were staring at him, knowing his secret & judging him. He did his best to present to the world a young man who had his life in order.
It was only in the last couple of months of his life that the seriousness of his mental struggles became apparent. He sought help. He was diagnosed with ADHD, PTSD, anxiety & depression. He was admitted to hospital on suicide watch. He was put on several different drugs. He hated them & wouldn't take them properly or give them enough time to see if they would work. He talked to a counsellor but wasn't honest with him. He was lonely, but was surrounded by people who loved & cared about him. He wanted his own apartment, but didn't want to be alone. He reached out for help & pulled away when it was offered. He wanted to live, but on his terms, not the terms of his disease. He was impatient & impulsive & there was no magic button to take away his pain & despair. He made his decision, formulated a plan & did the only thing he thought he could do to find peace. My heart breaks when I think about just how much pain he endured.
A couple of days after Jeff's death, we found a suicide note on his phone. According to the dates, he had been working on the note for 3 weeks. I had asked him during that time if he was suicidal. He said that he had been in the past but not any more, He promised me that he would tell me if he had those thoughts again.
The last time I saw Jeff was 2 days before he died. We had been to see a counsellor together & I bought him some groceries. We hugged outside the store, told each other, "I love you" & he left to walk home. As I watched him walk away, I was formulating ideas of what the next steps would be to help him on his road to recovery. I didn't know that time had run out.
Jeff enjoyed attending pre-school, but when it was time to enroll him in the public system, we were approached by school board officials to keep him in pre-school for a longer period of time. They didn't have the staff or facilities at his designated school to accommodate his needs. This was not acceptable to us & the school board eventually made arrangements for Jeff to attend a different school. Thankfully, the Principal took Jeff under his wing & made sure he was well looked after.
Jeff was sent back to his designated school for grade 1. That's when more serious issues came to light. Jeff was completely unable to focus on school work & took his frustrations out at home. The teachers continued to expect Jeff to complete his homework & assignments along with the rest of the students. This was impossible for him but our concerns were not being addressed. We could not make the teachers understand that the behaviour we were observing at home was different from the behaviour that they observed at school. His medical specialist made the comment that while living with Jeff was a great challenge for his family, it was preferable to him being well behaved at home & out of control in society.
Fortunately, as Jeff was about to enter grade 6, we moved to a new town & that meant a change of schools. The new school had assistants on staff & a class where his special needs could be accommodated. Finally, a wonderful teacher was able to take appropriate action on his behalf. The pressure that had been put on Jeff to conform to a learning system that couldn't accommodate him eased up & he was able to feel like he belonged.
As Jeff grew up & joined the workforce, many of his actions & decisions were often misunderstood. Not because he was trying to be difficult or inattentive, but because he often found himself unable to control his impulsiveness. Action came quickly, before thought.
Jeff's love of trains, trucks & machinery set him on his career choices. He worked up north for a railroad contractor, drove a hydrovac truck, garbage truck & dump truck. He spent some time working in a steel plant. He had several great jobs, but the job he loved most was being a tow truck operator.
Unfortunately, Jeff suffered severe head trauma when a load of steel on the back of a truck he was loading shifted & hit him in the face. He was unable to drive for several months & made numerous trips to Toronto for testing & rehabilitation. He began experiencing memory & hearing problems. Over the years, this injury, along with subsequent reliving of some of the trauma he witnessed while driving tow truck, began to take its toll. He started experiencing flashbacks. The job that he loved so much became a nightmare to his mind. He stopped driving 10 days before he died. He made one last trip, but knew he couldn't continue.
Because Jeff had learned over the years to only allow people to see the Jeff that he wanted them to see, he suffered mostly in silence. He was afraid that people were staring at him, knowing his secret & judging him. He did his best to present to the world a young man who had his life in order.
It was only in the last couple of months of his life that the seriousness of his mental struggles became apparent. He sought help. He was diagnosed with ADHD, PTSD, anxiety & depression. He was admitted to hospital on suicide watch. He was put on several different drugs. He hated them & wouldn't take them properly or give them enough time to see if they would work. He talked to a counsellor but wasn't honest with him. He was lonely, but was surrounded by people who loved & cared about him. He wanted his own apartment, but didn't want to be alone. He reached out for help & pulled away when it was offered. He wanted to live, but on his terms, not the terms of his disease. He was impatient & impulsive & there was no magic button to take away his pain & despair. He made his decision, formulated a plan & did the only thing he thought he could do to find peace. My heart breaks when I think about just how much pain he endured.
A couple of days after Jeff's death, we found a suicide note on his phone. According to the dates, he had been working on the note for 3 weeks. I had asked him during that time if he was suicidal. He said that he had been in the past but not any more, He promised me that he would tell me if he had those thoughts again.
The last time I saw Jeff was 2 days before he died. We had been to see a counsellor together & I bought him some groceries. We hugged outside the store, told each other, "I love you" & he left to walk home. As I watched him walk away, I was formulating ideas of what the next steps would be to help him on his road to recovery. I didn't know that time had run out.
